Walking Through Darkness to find Joy Pt. 1
In January of 2018 my husband and I welcomed our second child, a beautiful baby boy, Gray William. I was elated. I had our sweet girl and a boy, and I felt so complete. This was it, this was our family. The first couple weeks were great. We had lots of people loving on us, helping us, cooking us meals, and keeping us company. Life was good … until it wasn’t. Spending my days nursing my baby boy while feeling guilty that my two year old was watching t.v. all the time weighed on me. Staying in the house because I was fearful of taking two kids in public weighed on me. Not feeling confident about the way I looked after a baby completely weighed on me. I can remember one day my mom walking in the door, I looked up, handed her Gray and just started crying. The tears came and would not stop. I had this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and darkness. How could I feel empty or lonely when I have these two beautiful children? How could I feel lonely when I had a husband always by my side ready to support me in any way? How could I feel lonely when I had a core group of friends constantly checking on me? I was ashamed of the way I felt. The word depression kept popping up in conversations with my husband and other family. Me? Depressed? No way. Well y’all, yes way. I was in the midst of postpartum depression and I was desperate to get out.
I went to bed praying, down on my knees that night begging God for this feeling to go away. Why was I walking through this depression and how could I get out? And y’all, this was the first I truly felt God talk to me. “Seek me, come to me. I can bring you through the darkness.” The next morning I woke up, opened my bible, and no joke, landed on Matthew 11:28 where it says, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” I was like, okay God, I see you. Then of course, what do you do after reading the Bible? Get on Facebook, duh, and immediately I saw a girlfriend of mine post about a Bible Study that was starting the next day and I was like, okay God, I hear you!
That summer was a game changer. A game changer for me as a mom, wife, person, and believer. I began reading my bible daily, I began attending church regularly, I began serving in church, and I began to see a change. You know how people say you glow when you’re pregnant, the pregnancy glow? Well y’all, I had my Jesus glow and I was loving and still loving every bit of it. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” At the time I didn’t know why I had to walk through such a low valley, and I heard God say, “You’ll see, just trust in Me.” But with the lows, eventually come the highs, and I am basking in a season of HIGH right now. I can’t wait to walk you guys through my high and how I’ve heard from God, but you’ll have to wait for another blog, I can’t give you all the goods in the first post, can I?